Sunday, October 28, 2012

But we lost our Peanut...

       Just a warning, this is not going to be my normal smart assy, funny blog.  Rest assured that I will be back to all that soon, but not today.  So if that's the style of blog you would like to experience right now, I wouldn't recommend this particular post.
     I just wanted to write a quick note for those of you who are not aware of what has been happening lately.  JR and I lost our Peanut.  Peanut was the name we gave our baby after seeing it on the ultrasound for the first time.  At only 9 weeks, it looked more like a peanut than a baby, so the nickname seemed appropriate. 
    Nothing dramatic happened to cause the loss of our Peanut.  I went in for my regular appointment at 13 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  No warning, no signs that anything was wrong.  Just no heartbeat.  I was 13 weeks, almost out of the first trimester, but the baby only measured at 11 weeks.  I had a D and C two days later.
    I know I'm not the only woman to have a miscarriage.  It happens all the time.  But it doesn't make the experience any less heart-breaking when it happens.  It feels so personal.  I think I am struggling extra much with this because of all the other crappy things I've had to deal with in the last few years.  I have had to put up with quite a few health problems, with the most recent being cancer(melanoma), that left me with an 8 inch scar down my face and neck and partial paralysis of my mouth.  I was ready for something good to happen, I needed something good to happen and we thought this was it.  It was exciting to finally get to see a doctor for something fun. 
    Unfortunately, this has turned into just another crappy, hurtful thing to add to the list.  I know that it will happen for JR and I eventually(and hopefully soon!), but right now it's hard.  We miss our Peanut.  There are good days and bad days.  I just want to say thank you to everyone for the love, support, prayers, hugs, tears, flowers and food that have been sent our way.  And thanks to my mom for hauling ass to Glaus Bakery to get me a chocolate rum torte before they closed.  Chocolate makes everything better, especially if it has alcohol in it. 
   I'm sorry for the depressing post.  It is way more personal than I ever like to be, but it's something I had to get out there.  I don't know why.  Maybe to help myself heal, maybe to give our Peanut some validation...I don't know.  Thanks for reading.  I promise I'll be a smart ass again soon...