Friday, November 11, 2011

...but the horse with no name won't shoot the sherriff

I love music. In the car, at work, at the gym (at least I think I would like music at the gym, assuming I ever went). It is virtually impossible for me to cook without a little opera or Tijuana Brass to get me in the culinary groove. Cleaning? Bring on the Lady Gaga or They Might Be Giants. I love dance music, old music, fun music, guilty pleasures! Almost every activity is better when paired with a song or two.

But what if your activity is accompanied by a nasty, obnoxious, all-around HORRIBLE song? For instance, America’s “A Horse With No Name” , which ranks #1 on my personal DNL (Do Not Listen) list, followed closely by, “I Shot the Sherriff” and every song EVER performed, previously and in the future, by Gordon Lightfoot. What do you do? I, personally, sing Barry Manilow’s “Copacabana”. Not because I am particularly fond of this song, but because studies have shown that it is the antidote to every poisonous song known to man. It’s true, you can Google it. Ok, don’t Google it, but just trust me.

Now, as with every strong medicine, “Copacabana” can have adverse reactions, and must be sung in small doses. Side effects may include: vomiting, nosebleed, the urge to sing about everything you are doing to the tune of “Copacabana”, booty shaking; and in extreme cases, brain damage. If you have “Copacabana” stuck in your head for more than 4 hours, contact your physician immediately, as this can be a sign of a serious condition that can become permanent if left untreated. Dirty looks from the driver in the next car is a definite sign of overdose. Song badness is a very serious condition and should not be left untreated. If you find yourself assailed by any song on your personal DNL, please apply the “Copacabana” technique immediately.

I will be sure to let you know when the over the counter tablet version of Copacabanafren is available so that actually singing the song won’t be necessary. Until then, “Her name was Lola, she was a show girl”…

P.S. I know it’s early in my blogdom to ask for reader opinions, as my readership is quite small(but mighty!!!) , but I want to know your personal DNL’s. Keep your Copacabanafren handy as this could get painful!


  1. You may not appreciate this comment, but it really is your own fault. I actually didn't even know either of your top two DNLs until you mentioned to me a few years ago how much you hated them. Well, since then I have noticed that they play those songs on the radio quite often, and now whenever I hear them I think of you. :) And that kind of makes me like them.

  2. They do play those songs WAAAAY too often, but I'm glad that somebody is able to get some enjoyment out of them even if I don't. It took me a few days to write this blog(I know, the level of crappy-ness is amazing considering how long it took, right?) and I swear they played A Horse With No Name every day during that time. It was almost like America(the band, not the country) was trying to keep this blog unwritten through torture and harassment. I wasn't to be dissuaded, that is a terrible song and I don't care who knows it. BTW, I noticed that you didn't include your DNL. I'm waiting...

  3. I don't even know where to begin my extensive DNL list.
    I hate everything Mariah Carey sings, not because the songs are that bad, but because her voice sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. Her "All I Want for Christmas is You" song is enough to ruin the entire holiday season. And speaking of Christmas songs, I don't know who sings it, but there is one about a guy who runs into an old lover at the grocery store and they go drink a beer in the parking lot. That has to be the worst song ever. Too bad the sheriff got shot before he could arrest whoever wrote that lame song.
    I could go on for hours about my DNLs, but I will just complain about one more. It's Five O'clock Somewhere. I'm sorry, but if "it's only half past twelve" it's 5:30 somewhere.

  4. Anything by Lady Gaga, the Beibs, and Jonas Brothers.

  5. "the Beibs"?!? Oh dear lord. We are not elevating that sorry hot mess to actual air quotes are we? We are? "I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS...."